Friday, February 27, 2009

Irrational Attachments

The past 5 weeks have been full of change for our family. Those who know me well know that change is a very hard thing for me. Change isn't necessarily bad, but it is different. And different and Alexis do not mesh well.

Over the past 3 weeks we have sold our family boat, sold Matt's truck and we have just rented out our house. Financially speaking, I know these are all good things. It doesn't make any sense to have a boat or vehicle sit for 3 years, basically unused. We didn't want to sell our house in hopes that we will go back to NC when our assignment here is finished, so renting it out makes sense. But (there is always a but, isn't there?) these are also all things that hold memories of my family and those are always hard to part with.

Our boat was probably the easiest thing for me to part with. We loved the boat and used it all the time. We took friends on it, camped with it, and made lots of fun memories with our children. I hope that when they look back at their childhood they remember spending two summers swimming, tubing and just having some wonderful family time together. I am sure that we will buy another one at some point when we return stateside.

Our house... it is still our house. I know that. But the irrational part of me doesn't want other people living in my house. Sleeping in my room. Using my refrigerator. The house was a new build so we have been the only homeowners. We did all our own landscaping and painted every room to suit our family. We just agreed to let the renters paint the girls bedrooms as they have all boys and I can see why they would not want a pink or purple bedroom, but now it isn't the girl's bedrooms anymore. They seem like a great family, but as someone told me, renters never take as good of care of your house as you will. I envision my house being destroyed, although it is silly I know.

And finally, Matt's truck. This is the one I really am having issues with. We bought Matt's truck after we graduated from college and moved to Illinois. It was our very first new vehicle. I remember being so excited because we got such a good deal and the truck was red with grey trim, perfect for two Ohio State graduates. But the bigger part I am struggling with is that Matt's truck is the last vehicle Allison ever rode in. I remember loading her up in the truck and leaving our house at 2:30 am on August 9, 2002 and heading 3.5 hours to Chicago for her surgery. I remember the drive back to Decatur 4 days later with an empty car seat and a broken heart. Morbid memory I know, but for some weird reason I have a weird, again irrational, attachment to this silly 11 year old truck. We have so few memories and had so little time with Allison that I grasp to the simplest things that have her in them.

A therapist would have a field day with me, huh? :-)


Jill said...

This is all perfectly natural, Lex. And while it might be helpful for you talk to someone like a therapist about all of this, it's certainly not irrational. You're handling all of this much better than I would!!

mama2dibs said...

Irrational? I think not!!! To have actually gone through with letting go of it? Was probably a good idea, but holding on to something irrational is not wanting to give away that chocolate candy bar wrapper because it was your first gift ever from any boy. That's irrational. You, my dear, are a STRONG woman with a love that knows no depths for your child!

~michelle pendergrass said...

No. Not irrational. Just honest. I can sympathize on the smallest level. When my uncle died, I bought his car from my aunt and now we have to sell it this year. So I've been thinking about my attachment to the car and never vocalized it.

I know it's not the same, but a small part of me understands totally. (((hugs)))

lil ole' me..... said...

Lots of ((hugs)) to you, Alexis.

dannie1978 said...

A therapist would be bored with you... You deal with your feelings in a very strong, independent way. You should be very proud of the mother you are and the mother you were to your baby. Memories are formed by smells, sights, sounds and yes also by the backdrop our lives occur in. I pray to have your strength and rationality when I am struggling with even the most minute things. You are in our thoughts!!!

DeeDee said...

I have to agree w/everyone above me here in this comment section.
And having lost our first baby girl, I can say that you are very normal.....but 31 yrs later, I can also atest to the fact: no matter if you keep that silly ole truck or sell her...your memory will live on for the rest of your life. So I am glad you made some money off of something that you are no longer using!
I also 'get you' on the rental issues..we have had our home in TN as a rental for almost 2 yrs now..the first family didn't take good care of her but our second family is...and that eases my emotional heart. I agree, I don't like strangers living in my home...and OH HOW I miss my LG brand stainless side by side ice in the door frig....this apt size frig is getting to me at times!
It doe ssound like you have some good renters!

Hugs and GO BUCKS! Joy, DeeDee

Mish said...

Alexis I think you are perfectly normal and not irrational at all. I can not imagine how hard all of this must be, you are in my thoughts and prayers.

Mike said...

Hard to rent out your house. But look at the birght side ... hmm ... (more) hmm ... I know: Somebody else is cleaning your house.


Ang said...

OH goodness don't beat yourself up. That is a memory of your life. Of course you would have an emotional attachment to it all the more because of Allison. You are such a strong woman and such an inspiration!!! (((hugs))))

Louise said...

OH girl that breaks my heart for you reading that... BIG HUGE {{{{{HUGS}}}}for you!!

btw- LOVE the new header!

Shannon said...

I understand completely. It's just plain hard sometimes.

red527 said...

You are such a very strong woman! I couldn't even begin to imagine going through everything that you have gone through over the years. I am still wiping the tears away after reading this post. Lots of Hugs and prayers!

Terri said...

oh man, this post gets to me. You are so strong, resilient, fun and so together, it hurts to read about the terrible suffering you've been through. I don't know what to say, except sorry! One good thing is that your memory isn't going anywhere even though the truck is. Not helpful I know so I'm just going to shut up now.