Bittersweet Birthday

Yesterday Allison would have been 11-years-old. Someone asked me if after 11 years, this day was any easier. I had to think about that a moment. Easy isn't the right word to use. There is nothing easy about a birthday that will never be for your daughter. So I choose the word different. Each year that goes by is just different. Every year that passes a new bandaid is placed over a broken heart that slowly over the years the cracks in it have changed. I will never stop wishing that April 29th could be a day for celebration, and there will never be a day that goes by that I don't wish she was here, but I know for some reason this is the path God chose for us, and that is something we can't change.

So happy 11th birthday Allison Grace. I know this is a very special birthday for you because this year NaNa is there for your party. And for me, that makes this the most bittersweet birthday yet.

Dear Mom: Change of Address

Dear Mom:

It has been almost 7 months since we spoke last. I hope you are enjoying your "vacation" and are having fun being reunited with all of your family and friends that you haven't seen in a long time. I know I promised you I would start blogging again on a regular basis, but life got crazy shortly after my last post. So let me take a few minutes to catch you up on "The Jacobs' Family Adventures".

As you know this was to be our last year here in Japan and we have been anxiously waiting to find out what and where was next. At the end of November Matt found out about a job opportunity in the Mining Division. After a few weeks of interviews, waiting and alot of praying Matt was offered the job. Put down your golf club and your old fashioned just for a minute, because I would hate for you to spill or break your club from shock. Ready? We are moving to Dallas, Texas at the end of this month. I know you and I talked at length this summer about Dallas and I firmly believe "There Is No Coincidence in Life, Only a Purpose". And as hard as it will be to leave Japan, there is no doubt in my mind that this move is exactly the path that God wants us to be on.

The kids are anxious, yet excited. This has been the longest place they have ever lived. They have grown up here. We came with a kindergartner, 4th grader and 7th grader. The kids will be in 5th, 9th and 12th in the fall. Sami and Chris will start school for the last 9 weeks in Texas and we are leaving Emily in Japan to finish out the end of the school year. Don't worry, we have her staying with a good family that will make sure she is okay. I will be coming back to Japan in May for prom (there is NO WAY I am missing that) and will stay until final exams. I will let my friend put Emily on the plane to come to the states. Yes, I know I will owe her big for that one.

For me the move will be bittersweet. I have fallen in love with Japan and I think this will be the hardest move I have had to make. Wait I mean the second hardest. The first was leaving you of course. But I am excited to see what the next adventure holds. I mean, what can go wrong with cowboys, rodeos, Tex-Mex and FOOTBALL! And yes, unfortunately this means there is a chance Emily could become a Longhorn. You will just have to learn to tolerate them if so. Maybe I can watch Matthew McConaughey bongo on the Texas sidelines up close and personal.

I think the hardest part of this whole move is you not being here to talk things through. I never thought I would miss hearing "I am not telling you what to do but...". I really could use that right now. Dad is way better at not giving his opinion. You two always evened yourselves out.

I will try to be better about blogging in the coming weeks. We will be living the "Suite Life of Zack and Cody" and staying in a hotel for 6 weeks starting this Thursday. We have to buy two cars and move a household across the ocean. Life will be busy, but I am sure it will present some great bloggable moments. After all, it is our family.

I miss you.

Love,
Alexis

February is "Heart Month"

Did you know:

• Congenital Heart Defects (CHDs) affects approximately 1.8 million families in the United States
• CHDs are the most common birth defect and the leading cause of birth-defect related deaths worldwide
• Nearly twice as many children die from CHDs as from all childhood cancers combined, yet research for cancer receives five times the funding
• There are currently 35 distinct CHDs recognized
• There is no known cause for CHDs and there is no cure, only treatment, such as medicines, numerous surgeries and heart transplants.
• Each year an estimated 1 in 100 babies are born in the United States with a congenital heart defect
• 1 in 10 of those are born with a fatal defect

What if that "1" was yours?

January, 2002 a man and a woman went to a routine 18-week ultrasound while pregnant with their third child. They came home to a message on their answering machine. "Something was seen on the ultrasound." The next eight months were an emotional and heartbreaking roller coaster. Their daughter was born on April 29, four weeks early, with several complex heart defects. After spending 32 days in the NICU she finally came home. The parents were told their precious baby would require heart surgery in the near future. The next two months were filled with doctor visits, echocardiograms, medicines, a fun family vacation and a move three hours "down south".

At 3 am on August 9, 2002, this man and woman loaded their 3-month old daughter into the car and drove 3.5 hours north for her open heart surgery. The next five days were a living nightmare for them. And on August 13, at only 101 days old, their daughter earned angel wings.

That "1" was our daughter, Allison Grace.

February 7 - 14 is "Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Week". Raising national awareness about Congenital Heart Defects is important on so many levels—it will provide hope for families of CHD survivors and comfort to those whose loved ones have lost their battles; it will inform the general public about the symptoms of CHDs and possibly save lives; and it will affirm the need for researchers and medical professionals to continue their work to improve the outlook for CHD patients.

Here are a few ways you can help bring awareness to CHDs this February.

• As my long-time readers know, I blog every year about this important issue. If you blog, please make an entry this month helping raise awareness. You can even link to this entry.
  
• Place a button on your blog for the month.
• If you are on Facebook, become a fan of CHD Awareness Week 2010.
• If you are looking to give to a charity, think about donating to one that supports CHD research, such as the Children's Heart Foundation.
  
• If you give to the American Heart Association, put "Zachary Brooks Foundation" in the memo designating that your funds will go to a foundation set up specifically for CHD heart awareness and research.
  
• Wear red on February 14, not to represent cupid, but to remember those who are affected by CHDs.
  
• And if you have children, hug them a little tighter and thank God for the miracle and wonderful gift you have been given.

This post has been made in loving memory of Allison Grace Jacobs.

"Some people make the world special just by being in it."

Last Wednesday, while the kids and I were in the taxi heading back to our house in Japan, I received a call from Matt telling me that his grandma (Gram) just died. We all wanted to go back, but thanks to Obon (a Japanese holiday) there were only 3 seats left on any airline to get us back to the US on Saturday. So in the end Chris and Matt went back to say goodbye and I stayed back with the girls. As much as I wanted to be there, I know there was no way Sami would have been able to handle turning around and going right back to the States so it all worked out in the end.

My grandma on my mom's side died when I was 4 and my grandma on my dad's side lives on the other side of the country so we only saw her 1 time a year growing up. For the past 16 years I have had the privilege of having a "grandma on loan".

Matt's mom was diagnosed with MS when he was a small child. So Gram stepped in as a mother figure to Matt and his brother, Adam, and sister, Becky. Gram and Pops just lived up the street from them so it was easy for her to help out and for the kids to spend lots of time with their grandparents. Gram always enjoyed telling me stories of just how ornery Matt was as a child (and believe me there are lots of stories). I loved hearing her tell stories about my mother-in-law and about her and Pops cross country camping trips. I remember looking forward to Easter dinners because Gram always made special ham dumplings and pickled eggs. At Christmas I looked forward to all her yummy baking, and most importantly her homemade vanilla Italian Pizzelles. When Allison died, I remember Gram just hugging me as I cried. I can still picture each of my kids as babies nestled in her arms as she rocked them when we would visit her. It was easy to feel like part of the family with Gram.

Gram buried her daughter in 2000, her husband in 2001, her great granddaughter in 2002 and her daughter-in-law in 2003. Gram wrote a letter to each of her family to be read upon her death. In Matt's and my letter she told us that she had lived a wonderful and full life and that she was ready to go home and be with her family. It brings me peace to know she has been reunited with Pops and my mother-in-law. I know she missed them very much. And I can already see Allison being held tight in Gram's arms, just as she had done with all of my other children.

Gram was a special lady. I know she left imprints on many people's lives. I hope when I am old and gray people will think of me with as much fondness and love as people do Gram.

Our family with Gram this past Christmas.

Sami & Gram.
Gram and 6 of her great grandchildren.

My kids adored Gram.

Just Birthday

It really isn't a "Happy birthday" when the person is no longer living. And is it even a birthday when the person doesn't get any older? Our daughter Allison should be celebrating her 7th birthday today, but she isn't. There will be no cake or presents or streamers. Instead she will forever be 101 days old.

Each year I tell myself that this April 29 will be easier than the last. While the sadness has changed over time, each year seems to bring different feelings and thoughts. And this year is no exception.

I think many of the thoughts and feelings I have this year stem from all the changes that our family has gone through the past 6 months. "Birthday number 7" can pretty much be summed up with one word –– guilt. Not guilt as in "did I cause this to happen" or "if only I had done x differently when I was first pregnant", I have already dealt with those.

I am enjoying Japan. I miss my family and friends dearly, and yes I find things very frustrating and isolating at times, but I look at my kids and they are thriving and having an opportunity of a lifetime and I know we are where we are supposed to be. And then I feel guilty for that because being "happy" somehow means that I am "happy" with how things turned out. Had Allison lived I know without a doubt that we would not be here today. Our life would completely different than what it is now. It would be a life filled with doctors, medicines, tests and precautions.

Then there is Sam... there is not a day that goes by when she does something and I don't think "I wonder if Allison would have done that" or "I wonder if Allison would have had Sam's smile or big brown eyes". I cannot imagine my life without Sam, yet if she weren't here then we would still have Allison. I thought as Sam got older and time passed those feelings would fade, but they haven't. Someone told me once that loving both didn't mean I loved one any less. It sounds good on paper, but convincing my heart and head is a different story.

There is no black and white when one looses a child. There just seems to be many shades of gray. So I think back 7 years ago with a heavy heart and I miss my little girl. Seven years ago I remember looking at Allison for the first time in the NICU terrified of what the future held. If only I had known that the future was only 101 days long I would have held on to her a bit tighter.

Happy 7th Birthday Allison. We miss you.

Wordless Wednesday: "Just Like Sisters"

Happy Birthday –– Love Sami

Two of Sami's best friend's have celebrated birthday's in the past week. This is the hard part about moving away. Not being there to share these special days. But then we get to send really cool presents via the mail (provided I actually get to the post office) and what kid doesn't love mail.

First, Noah, one of Sami's little "boyfriend's", turned 4 last week. I am proud to say I was the first person to meet little Noah, even before his dad. Neil was on a business trip when Val was to go for her ultrasound so I went with her instead. I remember sitting there, holding her hand, praying for that little flicker to come on the screen. Sami and Noah used to go on dates to Robbie's together before they were even born (Val and I were pregnant at the same time). I can't wait to see what happens as these two get older. Happy 4th birthday Noah!


Then there is Hannah. My dear sweet Hannah. Sami and Hannah have been best friends since before Sami was even born. I remember being on bedrest and Hannah sitting next to me in my bed during one of Jamie and Hannah's many lunchtime visits, patting my belly with her fried chicken greasy hands. You would never know that Sami and Hannah are 19 months apart in age. They are two peas in a pod. Happy 6th birthday Hannah!

Of course I have to wish Noah's little sister, Maia, a happy 2nd birthday as well. Isn't she too cute?