It's Time For Moving On My Friend

There was a song my high school back in Ohio sang at every graduation called It's Time For Movin' On by Don Besig. I remember graduation being bittersweet as we were excited for what lied ahead, yet sad for what we were leaving behind. I am not sure why, but the past few weeks with the upcoming repatriation of some of my closest friends, I have really been thinking about the lyrics of that song. I have to admit, the song is a wee bit cheesy. However, it still seems to sum up how I have felt the past few weeks.

We've travelled a long, long time together
And there have been alot of good things on the way,
But now, it's almost time for leavin'
And the things I feel inside are very hard to say.
 

But it's time for moving on, my friend; hold back all the tears and sorrow,
It finally is time, to go our separate ways.
And I want to wish you well, my friend,
As we search for new tomorrows.
Go, as you must, but please,
Don't forget the yesterdays.

Remember the dreams we dreamed together,
All of the joys we shared at getting to today.
Now just one time, before you leave,
Reach out, and take my hand,
And help me walk away.

For it's time for moving on, my friend; hold back all the tears and sorrow,
It finally is time, to go our separate ways.
And I want to wish you well, my friend,
As we search for new tomorrows.
Go, as you must, but please... Don't forget the yesterdays.

When you are an expat, those around you become more than your friend –– they become your family.  We are thrown into a situation where we live 10,000 miles away from our family and friends and only have each other to rely upon. When our child is sick or we are missing our family back home, it is those around us that swoop in. When we are struggling, it is those around us that carry us through those trials. When we feel like we don't fit into our old life anymore, it is those around us that can sympathize. (I promise I will not burst out into the song "We Are Family", although it really would be an appropriate time) When these people leave, our support system is broken. A family member is missing. And to be honest, it just. plain. sucks.

It is hard knowing we may never see some of the people who are leaving ever again. Many times they live in a different country, where visiting may be nearly impossible. Luckily there is technology like Facebook and Skype that can help ease the distance. Others we promise to visit or keep in touch, but as everyone settles into their new lives, busyness sets in and keeping in touch becomes scarce.

I am not sure why this year is harder than last year. Maybe it is because I have been here another year and had that time to grow closer to people. Maybe it is because I see how some of the people leaving will deeply affect my kids. Maybe it is because my one of my closest friends here is leaving, and I will be all alone in the Scarab Heights compound. Maybe it is because this year was a hard between my injury in Vietnam and the disaster in Japan, which made us all lean upon each other more. Or maybe it is because I fear next year we may be the ones saying goodbye.

So to all those who are leaving this year, all those who are about to embark upon a great, new adventure, Go, as you must, but please... Don't forget the yesterdays.

Mother Time

I try to keep this blog "uplifting" and "lighthearted." I talk about my kids, our family's latest adventure, travels, David Cook, occasionally something thought provoking and post lots of pictures. Sometimes it is easier to talk about the good then want a pity party for the bad. But over the past two years of having this blog I have grown a "family" here, and sometimes we just need to talk things out with our family. So I apologize in advance for this "all over the place", generally down post.

For those who are familiar with our family's story, you know that we lost our daughter Allison Grace 6 years ago next week. For those who are newer to the Ramblings from Life family you can read about her here.

Allison lived for 101 days. It's been almost 2,190 days since I last held her. Somehow that just doesn't seem fair. This is a hard time of year for me. April and August sneak up on me with an overwhelming sadness of what was and what could have been. I have never been able to buy my daughter a birthday cake. I have never been able to complain about teething and potty training woes. I have never been able to pick her up from preschool or even go buy her a single pair of shoes. Instead I have a handful of pictures, a video, a single box full more of condolence cards than personal items and a cold grave to visit.

I sit back and think that 6 years seems so long ago. Alot has happened in 6 years. But other times it seems just yesterday it was 5 am on August 9, 2002 and I was holding Allison for the last time before giving her to the doctors that I trusted with her life. I never talk about those last 5 days of her life, but Matt and I saw things and endured things and had to make decisions that no parent should ever have to do. It is amazing that somehow Matt and I are still married and somewhat sane.

There is a saying that says "time heals all wounds". Whoever made that quote up must have never lost a child. Maybe I will think differently in another 20 years, but somehow I doubt it. There is a large difference between acceptance and total healing. It's taken me 6 years, but I have reached that stage of acceptance. But that doesn't make it hurt any less. It doesn't make me not miss her every day. I still question "why". But the pain isn't the same gut wrenching pain that was once there, rather a dull ache and sadness that truly will never go away.

Rest In Peace

My Aunt passed away this morning. I am flying out to Indianapolis for the funeral tomorrow morning and returning late Sunday night. Please keep the family in your thoughts.




Goodbye Aunt Pauline. Thanks for being such a great grandma.

School and sadness

Monday my kids head back to school. It is always bittersweet at the beginning of the school year knowing that each school year brings more independence and one less year until my children leave the nest and head out to tackle life on their own. For those with small children and thinking to themselves "what is she thinking" believe me. One day you will be changing their diaper and reading them Goodnight Moon and the next you will be watching them load the bus off for **gulp** middle school. (can you tell I have an issue with this whole middle school thing?)

But this school year is extra bittersweet. I should be buying three sets of colored pencils. Three pairs of scissors. Three sets of notebooks, binders and filler paper. As this is the year Allison would be starting kindergarten. It is milestones as such starting school that are a blatant reminder of the harsh reality that is my life. That 5 years ago all my thoughts and dreams of kindergarten, middle school, prom, graduation and college will never happen.

So Monday I will watch with a heavy heart as my kids get on the bus for another year of math, reading, homework and making new friends and I will allow myself for a moment, just a small moment, to wonder "what if".