Thursday, August 23, 2007

School and sadness

Monday my kids head back to school. It is always bittersweet at the beginning of the school year knowing that each school year brings more independence and one less year until my children leave the nest and head out to tackle life on their own. For those with small children and thinking to themselves "what is she thinking" believe me. One day you will be changing their diaper and reading them Goodnight Moon and the next you will be watching them load the bus off for **gulp** middle school. (can you tell I have an issue with this whole middle school thing?)

But this school year is extra bittersweet. I should be buying three sets of colored pencils. Three pairs of scissors. Three sets of notebooks, binders and filler paper. As this is the year Allison would be starting kindergarten. It is milestones as such starting school that are a blatant reminder of the harsh reality that is my life. That 5 years ago all my thoughts and dreams of kindergarten, middle school, prom, graduation and college will never happen.

So Monday I will watch with a heavy heart as my kids get on the bus for another year of math, reading, homework and making new friends and I will allow myself for a moment, just a small moment, to wonder "what if".

7 comments:

it's me, Val said...

I know it's hard for you. But remember this. Your life is NOT a harsh reality. I do not wish I had your life with having lost Allison although there are days when I really wish I lived near the ocean (like you do!) :)

Alexis, you will be doing all those things with your other 3 children. Just to experience them PERIOD with your children here on Earth is a blessing. And I know it feels like one piece is missing. I know that is very hard. But the great thing is, we don't know all the great PERFECT BEAUTIFUL things she IS experiencing right now. I know she isn't with you to experience those things like you so wish, like she should be. But a friend of mine really opened up my eyes when she said, "but do you wish they (my babies lost) were here with you instead of experiencing perfection like they are right now in Heaven?". And how right she is. It doesn't make it any easier or beter NOW, but I hope it does help you in remembering that she IS experiencing all those things you listed. Just not with you NOW. But one day she will get to tell you all about it. Just remember that. xoxoxoxoxo

Keep me updated on your aunt, too, please.

Michelle said...

I hope that everyone has a great school year!

I can't imagine how tough it is on you, to think about all those "would have been" moments. Just remember to enjoy all the precious moments that you do get to share and experience with each of your kiddos at each new stage and step of their lives! ((hugs))

Love the new look by the way! :)

Michelle

Jennifer said...

Hope you kids have a great school year. I'm NOT looking forward to Jr. high school at all. The kids(girls) today look so grown-up. I don't ever remember having busting boobies and a big butt at 12-13!! I'm thinking about putting my girls on organic foods...they say this helps with their hormones from entering to early;0 I have a friend of mines daughter start her period in the 5th grade:o(age 10)My doctor said this is becoming normal for girls today..and it's from all the additives they add to are foods...and soy products too...oh It just makes me sick to my stomach thinking about all I have to look forward to..4 teens in the house at one time.

and............

After the lost of my nephew, I truly believe that God spares a child from a rough road ahead...she is experiencing all the joys in Heaven free of all pain and one day you will be reunited!!

Take care my friend!
blessing~
Jennifer

Deborah said...

((hugs))

I know there is really nothing I can say to make you feel better, because, I know that you are right. Every mileston will be a reminder of what Allison didn't get to experience. Just know that someone all the way in NJ will be thinking of your 2002 baby, too, when Sadie starts kindy in 2 weeks.

Tracey said...

{{Hugs}} I'm sorry this is such a bittersweet start to the school year. I'm sure it makes you cherish each moment even more.

Rani said...

Your post is heart wrenching. Our own personal tragedies make us who we are. You are an amazing person and I am sure your beautiful, amazing daughter is looking down from heaven and smiling at you.

May the first week of school go swiftly and uneventfully by for you and your family.

LiLi said...

Bless. (hugs) I know this is an extremely difficult year for you. Please know you are in my thoughts. I'll do my best to remember to pray you through on Monday morning. You have such precious and wonderful children, Allison included! I'm so thankful you keep her near and dear to your heart. What an amazing mommy you are.