The Red Bag

My mom had a fear of flying in an airplane. She loved to learn about places outside of Ohio, but there were very few places she ever actually went. She went to Florida (via car of course) as a child to visit her grandma. She took a group of her Spanish students to Mexico when I was younger. She went to California to watch the 1968 Ohio State National Championship game. She snuck off to Washington D.C. to attend the events after President Kennedy's assassination (apparently sending a postcard to your parents when they do not know you have left the state is not a wise decision). She and I took a road trip in 1998 to New Orleans to watch Ohio State play in the Sugar Bowl. Besides her fear of airplanes, she was also a creature of habit, so that meant going to Indiana to visit family or to surrounding states to watch Ohio State play was what she enjoyed doing.

When Matt and I moved away from Ohio in 1998 it meant mom had to expand her traveling horizons a bit more. For nine years she drove to visit us in Illinois. When we moved to North Carolina she realized it was easier to face her fear and fly rather than driving through the mountains. She also started to fly every winter to visit her friend and her sister in Florida. When we moved to Japan at the end of 2008, I begged her to come visit me, but between her stubbornness and fear she adamantly refused every time. I even tried to bribe her with a deal that I would take her to Ireland, her dream, if she just came to see me. It's funny what you learn after someone has died. My mom and dad were in the process of getting their passports to come and see us in Japan. It was supposed to be a surprise.

My mom had a red suitcase that she used when she would go anywhere. It wasn't a big one, but it was exactly what she needed when she would travel.

When I went back to Ohio in September to visit my dad and brother, I needed an extra suitcase because I bought too much to bring back with me to fit in the two large suitcases I brought with me. Dad gave me the red bag to use. Little does he know (until he reads this) the suitcase is now mine.

The red bag has finally visited Japan. We took the bag with us when we went on fall break to Boracay in the Phillippines.

I am taking the red bag with us on our Christmas holiday to Singapore and Cambodia. My hope is to take the bag to places Mom never experienced herself. I am planning to travel more of the United States after our assignment in Japan is finished, and the bag will come with me.  And someday,  in the smallest way, I will makes mom's dream come true and the bag and I will go to Ireland.

School and sadness

Monday my kids head back to school. It is always bittersweet at the beginning of the school year knowing that each school year brings more independence and one less year until my children leave the nest and head out to tackle life on their own. For those with small children and thinking to themselves "what is she thinking" believe me. One day you will be changing their diaper and reading them Goodnight Moon and the next you will be watching them load the bus off for **gulp** middle school. (can you tell I have an issue with this whole middle school thing?)

But this school year is extra bittersweet. I should be buying three sets of colored pencils. Three pairs of scissors. Three sets of notebooks, binders and filler paper. As this is the year Allison would be starting kindergarten. It is milestones as such starting school that are a blatant reminder of the harsh reality that is my life. That 5 years ago all my thoughts and dreams of kindergarten, middle school, prom, graduation and college will never happen.

So Monday I will watch with a heavy heart as my kids get on the bus for another year of math, reading, homework and making new friends and I will allow myself for a moment, just a small moment, to wonder "what if".

What Do You Want To Be When You Grow Up?

How is it that I am 31 and not really sure what I want to do with my life?

I have a degree in agricultural communications, with a minor in business. Basically I have a journalism degree, with an emphasis in science. I love to write. I love putting words on a page and watching them come together. Even as a small girl I was writing and making up stories. But even though I loved writing, it wasn't what I went to college to do. Instead I went to be a neonatal nurse. I really think I would have made a wonderful nurse. But after spending those weeks in the NICU, I know that my heart would have broken into a million pieces there. I honestly believe the people who work in the NICU are angels in disguise. So instead I found myself wandering across the Olentangy River to Ag campus and writing about cows, tractors and biomedically engineered corn. And I really feel that I made a good choice.

So here I am almost 10 years later, a freelance writer. "How exciting" some say. "How lucky you are" says others. But I am not sure where I am right now is where I want to be forever. I am at a crossroads in my life where I need to make some decisions. In a year and a half I will no longer have kids at home. And since no more children are in our future I need to decide what to do with myself.

Let me start by saying that I am not planning on getting a "real" job. I love the idea of being able to work in my kid's classroom, chaperon field trips, be here when they get home from school, spend summers and breaks with them. Life is too short for me to miss out on those experiences. But I also feel the pull to do something with my life.

I have considered going to teach English or writing at the jr high or high school level. I would love to be able to share and teach my love for books and writing to the future leaders of our country, but I am not sure I would love the bull crap that goes along with teaching.

I also have thought about expanding my business to include other industries and a broader client base. I have spent the past 9 years mainly working in the equipment industry and while it is great money to go shopping with, I do not get chills writing about mining trucks and track type tractors. So expanding into different industries I think would help break up some of the monotony I am feeling.

Another area I have gave some thought to is going and getting a Masters in Library Science. The thought of working in a library would be like sending my 3 year old into an all you can eat candy store. But I would have to go back to school for that, and paying for such a degree doesn't seem very practical.

And then there is my ultimate dream... to write a book. But honestly, I have never gone much farther than the dream phase for many reasons. First, I have written such technical writing and business documents for the past 10 years that I am not really sure how to transition my writing towards a novel. How to make the transition from the public relations and marketing world to the fiction writing world. I have thought about taking a class or finding a seminar, but would that really be the answer? But between you and me, I am afraid of failing. What if I poured my heart and soul into this to find out that I really suck. That all I have managed to do is embarrass myself while killing a few trees and wasting hours of time.

I wish the doorbell would ring and God would be sending via UPS a guidebook for my life. But since that won't be happening anytime soon maybe I will have Emily make me one of those hand games to help me decide. You know, the kind that we made when we were kids where with just the choice of a few numbers and colors the answer will lie underneath the flap of the paper.