Thursday, August 07, 2008

Mother Time

I try to keep this blog "uplifting" and "lighthearted." I talk about my kids, our family's latest adventure, travels, David Cook, occasionally something thought provoking and post lots of pictures. Sometimes it is easier to talk about the good then want a pity party for the bad. But over the past two years of having this blog I have grown a "family" here, and sometimes we just need to talk things out with our family. So I apologize in advance for this "all over the place", generally down post.

For those who are familiar with our family's story, you know that we lost our daughter Allison Grace 6 years ago next week. For those who are newer to the Ramblings from Life family you can read about her here.

Allison lived for 101 days. It's been almost 2,190 days since I last held her. Somehow that just doesn't seem fair. This is a hard time of year for me. April and August sneak up on me with an overwhelming sadness of what was and what could have been. I have never been able to buy my daughter a birthday cake. I have never been able to complain about teething and potty training woes. I have never been able to pick her up from preschool or even go buy her a single pair of shoes. Instead I have a handful of pictures, a video, a single box full more of condolence cards than personal items and a cold grave to visit.

I sit back and think that 6 years seems so long ago. Alot has happened in 6 years. But other times it seems just yesterday it was 5 am on August 9, 2002 and I was holding Allison for the last time before giving her to the doctors that I trusted with her life. I never talk about those last 5 days of her life, but Matt and I saw things and endured things and had to make decisions that no parent should ever have to do. It is amazing that somehow Matt and I are still married and somewhat sane.

There is a saying that says "time heals all wounds". Whoever made that quote up must have never lost a child. Maybe I will think differently in another 20 years, but somehow I doubt it. There is a large difference between acceptance and total healing. It's taken me 6 years, but I have reached that stage of acceptance. But that doesn't make it hurt any less. It doesn't make me not miss her every day. I still question "why". But the pain isn't the same gut wrenching pain that was once there, rather a dull ache and sadness that truly will never go away.

16 comments:

bluebunny said...

((((((Hugs))))))) I agree that time doesn't heal all wounds .... gentle thoughts.

Deborah said...

((hugs)) Alexis. I can't believe it has been six years already - as I've said before, I can't pretend to know what/how you are feeling, but know that you have a lot of support from people far and wide.

Jennifer said...

I have a sister that lost her 18yr. old son Kyle, one day before he is to Grad for high school in a freak accident.
Friday Aug. 8 his Birthday, and May 27 is the Ann. to his death. So I know a little of what your talking about.... I do think you get to a "stage of acceptance" but it does not make the hurt any better. Good way of
putting it Alexis.

In our thoughts and prayers!

Michelle Pendergrass said...

I will always listen to you talk about Allison. We might not have been "close" but I remember. I know I don't know you in person, but I know you enough to share a piece of your pain and pray for you in the hard times. I know it doesn't mean a lot in the grand scheme of things, but it's what I have to offer since I can't be there to give you a real hug.

I don't think time heals all wounds. That phrase is for people who don't want to deal with pain. The fact is it hurts and it's not easy to face. I think it's okay to tell God your mad and that you're hurt. He knows.

I wish I could take away your pain and I wish no one ever had to go through things like this. My heart aches for you. ((((hugs))))

CDJ said...

I can't even imagine. I read your blog and Loralee's and Tanis's and my heart just breaks to think of the loss you have suffered. If it helps to talk about it, you know we'll all be here to support you. I don't what else to say than that becuase everything else just seems empty. But I can send you a hug over the internet and let you know that I'm thinking about you and wishing you peace.

Keeper of The Chaos said...

I can't even begin to imagine how hard it must be. And I agree with time healing all wounds being hogwash.

You all with be in my thoughts and prayers this upcoming week.

*hugs*

Susan said...

I can't believe it's been 6 years already, it seems like yesterday you were posting about it on SN. I will be thinking of you the next few days and praying that you get through this difficult time of the year.

PaulickFam said...

Alexis, although I have never met you, you and I share a bond that no mothers should share. Our Heather was so precious and so beautiful. Ron and I still to this day pray for her and cry for her and wonder what she would look like and so do our kids, at least the ones that were already with us when she was born. It has been 10 years now for us and it will never go away and honestly - I HOPE IT NEVER DOES!!! GOD KEEPS HER THERE FOR US! Steven Curtis Chapman once wrote a song "With Hope" and that is what keeps us going. Hugs to you and your family Alexis (((hugs)))

rodneyolsen said...

Thank you for the courage and honesty you showed in this post. I know that all the words and cliches in the world can't heal the hurt that you feel so I'm not even going to pretend to know what to say.

Tracey said...

Has it really been 6 years? Unbelievable. Gentle hugs to you in the weeks ahead.

Amy said...

Thanks for sharing Alexis, I'll be praying for you in the week to come.

Shannon and Nathan said...

I am thinking about you as the 9th approaches. Those last few days, hours and minutes are so hard to think about. We had to make a lot of decisions too that parents should not have to make. But know that Allison is always with you and she is healthy and happy always. I am sending you *hugs*.

LiLi said...

I remember Allison daily, in things people say, in things I see... She was certainly an angel on earth, and I am sad I never got to meet her in person. I have a friend who has a daughter who will pass away, most likely, before she is even a year old (Trisomy 13) They celebrate every week birthday with a cake of some sort and take more pictures than you can fathom. I'm awed by them and their situation. I can not imagine the pain. Just know that you are still prayed for and your marriage is still prayed for, by those of us who love you. We may never know that pain, but we do know how much we love you and we will never stop praying you through. ((hugs)) I know these next days are even harder than the rest, and I will do my best to remember to pray you through these extremely tense days. I love you dearly and am so thankful that I met you through Storknet!

Rani said...

I cannot imagine losing a child. I don't know what you have gone through as a mother, a wife, a couple...But, I appreciate you talking about it and telling the real story so that other who may experience something similar can have a connection. I am positive you are a strong, amazing woman and Allison was a part of your life that will make you even stronger. I don't think you will ever feel better about her short life, but you may appreciate the experience more with time. Thanks for sharing. God bless you and your family.

lil ole' me..... said...

Alexis, my heart goes out to you and your family.
I was watching the interview with Steven Curtis Chapman and his family on Larry King Live this week and someone asked him how they could comfort a family who lost a child. He told them that he found the most comfort in friends who didn't try to put words to the situation, but just sat and grieved with him.

Just wanted you to know that even though you are there and I am here, I'm "sitting" with you.

mama2dibs said...

Oh, Alexis. I have nothing to say to you because there are no words that could help in the loss of your daughter. If I could, though, I would sit down by you and let you cry on my shoulder. I'll think of you in my prayers at this rough time of year.