I try to keep this blog "uplifting" and "lighthearted." I talk about my kids, our family's latest adventure, travels, David Cook, occasionally something thought provoking and post lots of pictures. Sometimes it is easier to talk about the good then want a pity party for the bad. But over the past two years of having this blog I have grown a "family" here, and sometimes we just need to talk things out with our family. So I apologize in advance for this "all over the place", generally down post.
For those who are familiar with our family's story, you know that we lost our daughter Allison Grace 6 years ago next week. For those who are newer to the Ramblings from Life family you can read about her here.
Allison lived for 101 days. It's been almost 2,190 days since I last held her. Somehow that just doesn't seem fair. This is a hard time of year for me. April and August sneak up on me with an overwhelming sadness of what was and what could have been. I have never been able to buy my daughter a birthday cake. I have never been able to complain about teething and potty training woes. I have never been able to pick her up from preschool or even go buy her a single pair of shoes. Instead I have a handful of pictures, a video, a single box full more of condolence cards than personal items and a cold grave to visit.
I sit back and think that 6 years seems so long ago. Alot has happened in 6 years. But other times it seems just yesterday it was 5 am on August 9, 2002 and I was holding Allison for the last time before giving her to the doctors that I trusted with her life. I never talk about those last 5 days of her life, but Matt and I saw things and endured things and had to make decisions that no parent should ever have to do. It is amazing that somehow Matt and I are still married and somewhat sane.
There is a saying that says "time heals all wounds". Whoever made that quote up must have never lost a child. Maybe I will think differently in another 20 years, but somehow I doubt it. There is a large difference between acceptance and total healing. It's taken me 6 years, but I have reached that stage of acceptance. But that doesn't make it hurt any less. It doesn't make me not miss her every day. I still question "why". But the pain isn't the same gut wrenching pain that was once there, rather a dull ache and sadness that truly will never go away.