"Motherless" Mother's Day

A few weeks ago I saw an advertisement for a "Motherless" Mother's Day brunch. This was a time for  any woman whose mother had died to get together and remember their loved one. This made me stop for a minute and think –– am I motherless?  She didn't abandon me. A stork didn't drop me in Canal Fulton, Ohio 37 years ago. I know exactly where my mother is right now. Did she stop being my mom just because she died? I didn't stop being Allison's mom when she died. So no, I am not motherless, and I don't think any amount of time would change my answer.

My mother could be a pain. She was many at times stubborn. She could be a bit selfish. She was a horrible cook. You may have been talking to a wall anytime an Ohio State football game was on television. But she had so many amazing qualities that outweighed her "moments". My mother helped me through some of the darkest times in my life after Allison died. She was dedicated to teaching and helping teenagers. The messages we received from past students last fall after she died showed us the impact she made in their lives. She was an awesome, lay-down-your-life type of friend, and would do anything for them. She was a huge animal lover, and at times I am pretty sure she liked the dogs better than her own kids. If you looked up perseverance in the dictionary you would find her picture. She really loved my dad, and although they drove each other crazy at times,  I never once doubted the love she had for my father. And her family –– she would lay down her own life for them if that is what she had to do.

We don't always like our moms. There was that party we didn't get to go to. That boy we weren't supposed to date. That time we were grounded you for something our sibling did. But no matter how angry I may have been at times, I always loved my mom.

I was very blessed that I got to spend so much time with her last summer. It wasn't always happy time, but it was precious time that I will forever cherish. I wish I had known last year that it was my last Mother's Day with my mom. So I encourage you -- call your mom. Send her a card. Cherish her. You never know when you won't get a another day with her.

And this year, no matter how big of a hole I have in my heart, I know my mother is having an amazing Mother's Day because for the first time in 34 years she gets to spend the day with her mom. And I know that is something she wished for every day.

So happy Mother's Day mom. I love and miss you very much.

Mother Time

I try to keep this blog "uplifting" and "lighthearted." I talk about my kids, our family's latest adventure, travels, David Cook, occasionally something thought provoking and post lots of pictures. Sometimes it is easier to talk about the good then want a pity party for the bad. But over the past two years of having this blog I have grown a "family" here, and sometimes we just need to talk things out with our family. So I apologize in advance for this "all over the place", generally down post.

For those who are familiar with our family's story, you know that we lost our daughter Allison Grace 6 years ago next week. For those who are newer to the Ramblings from Life family you can read about her here.

Allison lived for 101 days. It's been almost 2,190 days since I last held her. Somehow that just doesn't seem fair. This is a hard time of year for me. April and August sneak up on me with an overwhelming sadness of what was and what could have been. I have never been able to buy my daughter a birthday cake. I have never been able to complain about teething and potty training woes. I have never been able to pick her up from preschool or even go buy her a single pair of shoes. Instead I have a handful of pictures, a video, a single box full more of condolence cards than personal items and a cold grave to visit.

I sit back and think that 6 years seems so long ago. Alot has happened in 6 years. But other times it seems just yesterday it was 5 am on August 9, 2002 and I was holding Allison for the last time before giving her to the doctors that I trusted with her life. I never talk about those last 5 days of her life, but Matt and I saw things and endured things and had to make decisions that no parent should ever have to do. It is amazing that somehow Matt and I are still married and somewhat sane.

There is a saying that says "time heals all wounds". Whoever made that quote up must have never lost a child. Maybe I will think differently in another 20 years, but somehow I doubt it. There is a large difference between acceptance and total healing. It's taken me 6 years, but I have reached that stage of acceptance. But that doesn't make it hurt any less. It doesn't make me not miss her every day. I still question "why". But the pain isn't the same gut wrenching pain that was once there, rather a dull ache and sadness that truly will never go away.

5 Year "Anniversary"

To All Parents
"I'll lend you for a while a child of mine," He said.
"For you to love the while he lives and mourn
for when he's dead.

It may be six or seven years,
or twenty-two or three,
But will you, till I call him back,
take care of him for me?
He'll bring his charms to gladden you,
and should his stay be brief,
You'll have his lovely memories as solace for your grief."

"I cannot promise he will stay;
since all from earth return,
But there are lessons taught down there
I want this child to learn.
I've looked the wide world over
in My search for teachers true
And from the throngs that crowd life's lanes
I have chosen you.
Now will you give him all your love,
not think the labor vain,
Nor hate Me when I come to call to take him back again?"
"I fancied that I heard them say,
"Dear Lord, Thy will be done!

For all the joy Thy child shall bring,
the risk of grief we run.
We'll shelter him with tenderness,
we'll love him while we may,
And for the happiness we've known,
forever grateful stay;
But should the angels call for him
much sooner than we've planned,
We'll brave the bitter grief
that comes and try to understand!"


In Loving Memory of Allison Grace Jacobs
April 29, 2002 - August 13, 2002
"Some people only dream of angels,
we held one in our arms"

For The Heart Of A Child

Your help is needed
And that’s not all,
we need awareness,
for the little and small.

We need your help,
to spread the word ...
of congenital heart defects,
for little have heard!

This is a deadly defect,
affecting many that are born,
turning lives upside down ..
leaving dreams shattered and torn.

Congenital heart defects,
known as CHD's,
are the #1 birth defect,
but a hidden disease.

Doses of medicine,
many times each day,
a little child,
that can't run or play,
his little heart,
can't take the stress,
his little body
just needs to rest.

A little baby
that struggles to eat,
with tiny blue lips,
and hands, and feet.

A mother stands by
her baby's grave,
praying through research,
others will be saved!

Written by Angela Brooks
June 2002

This February, American Heart Month, please help to honor and
remember all those lost to a congenital heart defect by forwarding
this message on to everyone in your address book. Nothing great will
happen if you forward this to 10 people, and you will not have bad
luck forever if you decide to delete it. However, by forwarding this
on to everyone you know, you will bring a smile to the faces of the
estimated 4,000 babies in heaven that die EACH YEAR from a congenital
heart defect and their families who miss them and love them dearly.
Please visit www.kidswithheart.org to see what else you can do to
help those born with the most common birth defect and #1 cause of
birth defect related deaths.

Below are just a few names of those lost to a heart
defect. In this message, they are simply names in a message that
carry with them a sad story. However, to the families that lost
them ... each of these names represent a child lost, a mother's
empty arms, and a father's grieving heart for the child that was ...

40,000 babies are born each year with a heart defect, 1 in 10 of those are born with a fatal defect, what if that "1" was yours?

Allison Grace Jacobs 4/29/02 - 8/13/02
Zachary Wayne Brooks 6/2/99 ~ 11/30/99
Ella Josette Mangold 05/05/05 - 05/08/05
Zev Samuel Pazo 1/25/06 - 5/18/06
Ethan Rey Martin 4/13/06 ~ 5/5/06
Severin Grant Brenny 9/23/02 - 7/17/04
Julian Christopher David Nov. 29, 2001 - May 20, 2006
Zachary George Metivier 5/27/05 - 10/17/06
Colin Samuel Brown 3/26/01 - 3/30/06
Corbin Marc Grabb 7-20-2004 - 6-29-2006
Mari Kathryn Moreland( Kaytee) 8-22-94 - 8-27-94
Joseph Scott Moreland 3-23-95 - 3-23-95
Charles Christopher Smith 11/30/06 - 12/04/06
Zoë Richardson 7-20-1999 - 9-5-2004
Alexander Joseph Kaplan 9/9/04 - 1/12/05
Mercedes Margaret Kincaid 08/02/2006-08/14/06
Jacob Abregana-Reyes 12.19.05-6.3.06
Chase Conway Jaeger 6/2/05-11/30/06
Emily Grace Taylor 6/4/01 ~ 7/24/01
Ashley Makayla Knight 12/9/04-6/22/06
Karen L. McNulty 9/25/73 ~ 8/31/05
Jake Richard Witt 10/15/02 ~ 3/30/03
Darius John Ellis 4/7/2005 ~ 9/3/2005
Samuel Jason Bocanegra 7/9/04 ~ 11/6/04
Jason Schweinberg 6/27/84 ~ 8/9/01
Cooper Walker Burchett 10/27/2006 - 10/29/2006
Justin Lee Shelnutt 2/25/01 - 5/16/01
David Binko Forever in my heart 9-27-2002 to 7-11-2006
Jessica Freed 5/25/81- 11/02/04
Timothy William Cole 10-11-94 to 6-15-95
Anthony Patrick Crawford4/24/2001~4/25/2001
Zoë Richardson 7-20-1999 to 9-5-2004
Colin Samuel Brown
Wyatt Johnathan Darrin Prince 11-13-97 04-11-98
Alexander Mercado 12/15/02 - 01/06/03
Audrey RosaLee Haugen 06/06/05 - 08/25/05
Lydia Ann Lawrence 10/5/05 ~ 10/5/05
Jessica K Freed 05/25/81 - 11/02/2004
Dominic John Berkowitz 11/05/06 ~ 11/14/06

In memory of all these precious children plus thousands of others and with hope for the 40,000 babies born each year with a heart before, please forward this on to everyone in your address book. We need to raise awareness of this deadly defect so babies will stop dieing from a broken heart!

Best Blog Entry

Sometimes when we are struggling it is amazing how you can stumble upon something that is exactly what you needed to hear.

This is, I think, one of the best blog entries I have ever read. Maybe because it spoke to me more than you could ever know.

In The Midst of It